Slow Progress is Still Progress
Words have begun falling out of my mouth in clips and phrases. They’re one step above active listening and still make sense in the conversation. But, I’m not thinking about them first. It’s like I’m listening to myself talk, not knowing what I’m going to say next.
It is dangerous.
Or, I’m just getting better at the senseless babble required at my job to keep things peaceful. I force myself to partake in conversations so I’m not to seem as some random dungeon dweller at the end of the hall who really isn’t a part of things. Really, I want to be more difficult to fire, maybe through a friendly face and banter.
I’ve been here when other people have left. Even if they’ve done so on their own, I’ve seen how they’ve been treated. Not missed. Easily replaced or done without. And, all of a sudden, they were always a burden and shouldn’t have been here the whole time.
It will be the same when I go, whether it is because they no longer have hours or tasks for me, or if I look for something else. I really want it to be my choice, when it happens, and thus I need to integrate myself more than I want to. More than I’d like someone to talk to, I’d love to just come in and keep my head down and not see anyone else. That isn’t a statement on them, but on me. I doubt that would change no matter who they were.
It is just so much energy to be around people anymore. I constantly feel like I need to act energized and engaged, and a little funny and contribute. It is all forced.
Which I think why, the other day, when at home and I am being social and it is NOT forced, it hurts me or aggravates me more when I am placated or ignored. It is reinforcement that I just need to shut down. Or, I need to find different audiences. See, I don’t know if I need to just myself more for how I am feeling and getting on, or my circles. It is almost definitely me. But, also, it is almost definitely them, too.
Anyway, I’d better get started on the long day ahead of me. Being a trooper and tackling everything at work I needed to do left me with nothing that needs to be done. I can come up with some stuff, invent some tasks, play around with things. But, like I predicted, it isn’t the same. I feel unneeded. At work. At home. Not listened to. Not even thinking about what I say anymore because it doesn’t matter. Getting myself worn out every night so I can sleep and wake up the next day to the same thing.
It’s not a bad life. Just a sad one. I’ve got to figure this out.