Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Had Kids

It has been an interesting couple of days at home with just me and the youngest kid.

On one hand, having things I needed to do at home made me more active and actually get more done than I set out to. It’s like, getting into that mode and just getting shit done.

It may be a simple concept, but I’ve lacked it lately. It’s felt good. And, tiring. But, in a good way. I should continue it, but I feel like when the SO gets back, I will fall into my lazy ways again.

I DO do shit. It just doesn’t fill my night. And, the extra stuff I am doing now, the SO guards because they like doing it. So, I guess I’m stuck unless I figure something out.

On the other hand, it has been really lonely. Like, more than if I would just be alone.

The kid doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and, really, acts like they’d rather I wasn’t there. It isn’t being mean. Just, that age, I guess. On top of their own comfort levels. On top of maybe I haven’t been that big an impact on them.

I don’t do any fatherly stuff. I feel bad. I don’t want to take away from their father, is a bit of it. I also don’t want to try to get closer and get pushed away, maybe because of how they feel or things they’ve heard from their father. And, there is a part that doesn’t want to get too close because he would get upset and jealous and cause drama.

These are all real fears and anxieties. But, I won’t discount that maybe I just don’t try hard enough or do the right things. I’m not a negative in their lives, the both of them, as far as I know. But, I could just disappear and I don’t think it would effect them at all.

I don’t feel like I’m being dramatic in saying that. I tell myself I’d be different if it was my kid, but would I? Would I just make other excuses?

I didn’t get the kind of love they get from their mother. I either don’t know or are uncomfortable with it. Which is a bad excuse because, fucking, man-up. They’re a child. I’m the adult. Be better. What if I’m too lovey and it gets taken wrong by them, by their dad? It wouldn’t only kill me, but would ruin my life.

I’m not brave enough. I love them both so much I just want to start chewing on their stupid heads. But, I can’t show it. I can’t have it go wrong. I can’t have it taken away. My heart. I couldn’t.

So, I sit here. And, they sit there. All the small talk leads to silence. They’re not missing anything. I’m having a hard time breathing.

Is it over? Can I be? Am I already? What am I doing…?