Limited by my Hardware

I have turned another corner. I really am starting to get how stupid I am.

Maybe stupid is the wrong word. It’s just that I always felt I had this untapped potential, or that there was this flow of intelligence right below the surface that I could fill a bucket from and dump into a conversation or scenario.

It’s not there.

That’s one of the repercussions of having hobbies again. You get into a community where real people have been involved in a real way for a really long time, and you just sit there trying to pretend you’re capable of that. But, you fail. At pretending. That you can do something you’re watching someone else do.

It’s annoying. But, it wasn’t like I was going to use any of this imagined cerebral stature for good. No, it would just go to maybe making myself laugh over pretty witty fart jokes. Like, describing a bowl movement using a lot of five dollar words. I mean, I used to think of myself as a little bit of a wordsmith. I said this the other day to my SO. They laughed, and reminded me of many, MANY times, even recently, that I had used the wrong words for something, or had to stop in the middle of a conversation because I couldn’t find the words I was looking for.

Everything is substantial in a vacuum (by the way, I didn’t spell either of those two words correctly the first time…that’s what I’m talking about). That’s not, I don’t think, I comment on the people I surround myself with. It is more about how I conduct myself, and what I am using the remaining minutes on this Earth to accomplish. I still feel I’m living in a fantasy world about myself and that maybe I’d be happier if I grounded myself a little more in reality. Maybe started to appreciate what I have and can do more than what I think could be possible, but never actually will because it’s not going to be handed to me and I’m not going to do it myself.

Maybe, again, I just need to get out of my own head and thusly out of my own way for a bit. Do I find living in the moment too depressing? Whose fault is that. Is pretending this will be better later make me less depressed now? Yeah, probably. But, that’s an open loop, or some non-euclidean geometry.

This might be coming up because I’m trying to do better with not correcting people, or being mad at people for having what I consider faults. Leaning towards a different political side than me, or having a different opinion on what I consider to be general human decency.

I’d like to have a conversation with my parents where I didn’t blame them for things. Even if I had reason to. They aren’t going to change. More of, they aren’t even going to understand how I feel about the way I was treated or that they did anything wrong. I would just have to accept them and everything they did that I didn’t like.

What hurts is that in order for us to have a relationship, I think I’d have to give them more compassion and understanding, support and empathy than I ever got from them. I was their kid and needed that. They’re my parents and think they deserve it. I feel like they have only ever put themselves first, and then maybe who they were in a relationship with second. If no one else is around, me third. Further down if that is different.

Which makes me wonder why I really want to see them anyway. What are they going to say or do. Am I ever going to feel like I have a home. Do I know what a home is supposed to feel like.

I don’t think I learned how to love. I may be faking it. To myself and others.

I feel small, and fake, and broken, and shallow, and unfit to be around.

I’m fairly sure I’m worthless.