I Was in the Hospital for A While

I kind of forgot that I spent some time at a comic book shop when I was younger. It was our hangout spot for a while, where we did very 90’s things like play Magic The Gathering and have Pog tournaments. If I remember things correctly, that was our place until a local lazer tag facility opened up. Then, we were always there.

I’m pretty sure that was a big deal. Like, it was a major plot point in our day-to-days. I forgot.

What else don’t I remember? Who else would I not recognize. I mean, I don’t think I would know any of my friends from even as late as high school if I ran into them at a party or the bar. Not that I spend much time at either. But, I’m convinced it has happened…where I just treated someone I knew as a stranger and maybe looked the other way when passing.

I definitely yearn to have some of those friendships again. I miss the comradery. Quite a bit. But, I believe I was bad at it. Except for the people that actively tried to stay in my life, I feel like I treated everyone else as expendable and never really followed up with people I probably should have.

Maybe because I’m on the spectrum that it makes that stuff more difficult. Maybe because I went to so many different schools and lost the people I got to know over and over again that I don’t go out of my way to work on any kind of bond.

There are a few instances that I can recall, now being now and not then, that things were setting up with someone or a few people where we were becoming friends. Doing things together. Invited to houses and events. Then, nothing. They probably even reached out to me, but I didn’t respond or instead I put it off or blew it off entirely, making it disappear.

There is also the very heavy feeling of embarrassing myself or getting hurt if I did try and reach out and got rejected. That has happened a lot. But, I guess I did that a lot, too.

That sucks.

This isn’t a good thing. It is a flaw, and it is my fault. But, as an adult, how do I work on that? Or, do I? Is that status quo the best bet for me. Is anything else potential, expensive drama? Or, is that just fear doing my thinking for me. Or, laziness. Or pain.

I think more activities in my life would help. More socializing. And, some understanding that things won’t change right away…some patience.

It’s hard. It’s really hard. But, it is feeling more and more essential. Maybe.

I feel petrified.