Disposable Effort

As I was gathering some resources to link and add to this, eventually, I came across something I wrote during the Big Down recalling when I first styled my hair in grade school and began getting more favorable attention. It made me think about how much effort I started putting into being acceptable and how tiring it made me and still makes me after all these years. Not just about appearance, but performing this happy, energetic guy who says and does things that make you want to be around him. I’ve felt this exhaustion most of my life and didn’t really appreciate it.

That thought happens. Then, something else happens at night. I say something and make reference to something to my girlfriend and get a laugh out of her. I like making her laugh. Then, I find out that what I was talking about, she never got. Never understood. Didn’t question. Just thought I was trying to be funny, so laughed. Which is nice in a way, but so ingenuous and so in the face of the effort I make to be that person and not just ball-up on the couch being silent.

My attempts at humoring were being humored. It all feels like wasted energy, now. Well, even more wasted. And, it was fake. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I guess it comes from a nice place. Like, I don’t believe she’s trying to be an ass. But, I work hard on the words I say. I don’t say a lot to people any more, and to that end, to not a lot of people. And, you want to leave me with the impression that it doesn’t matter words I say? It’s dismissive and hurtful. Unintentional, but maybe the lack of thought makes it worse.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just looking for things to be upset over because I’m in such a dark spot. Like, if I can make a mountain out of a mole-hill, then at least I can deal with that mountain. Not the looming fog and ether of malaise. Or, maybe hurt is something I can still feel, so pressing that button is better than nothingness.

Ugh, I’ve got to end these on better notes. So, let’s try.

This is the last day of work before the Christmas holiday. I’m looking forward to…